2011
2011-01-02


It's been years since I've made a proper post year. It is the first day of 2011 and today I 'casted for the first time in my life. It's something I've never done before - live commentary before bunch of smelly guys (girls too?) on the internet, and it was for a game I have no clue about. But I did it anyway.

It seems like I do something new each new year, just like I do every christmas. In 2007 I worked at the Bungee Bar for a meagre $6/hr pay. In 2008 I wasted it with Joel. In 2009... I can't remember what I did, wasted it with Joel too I think. This year, I spent the eve of new year's eve with a really awesome boy. I'm not sure if I should even be calling the guys I date boys anymore. They're all men already, but still overgrown kids at heart. I've come such a long way since I first made a post in this blog.

I've come so far and filled the world with such colours. I'm 21 now. I wrote in here when I was 13. 13! It's been seven long years and I've seen so many different cocks and so many different guys/men. I've lost two dogs and made so many friends. I've cast off so many shadows with my own light. I'm happy now...

But I'll never forget that it's because of those years spent in darkness that I appreciate the light.

How have I changed this past year?

You know, a Magikarp evolves at level 20 into a Gyarados. I became a Gyarados this year. I evolved after turning 20. I turned pretty. I turned hot. And since nobody ever paid attention to me, I've never sought for more than what people thought I deserved. In June 2010 I broke up with Joel, my boyfriend of 2 years and 4 months. I ditched his ass twice because I went to the Licence2Play expo and realised what a dick he was being. Like Mother Gothel from Tangled he was smothering my light so that he could keep it for himself. And.. yeah. I left him. I met some people after that. Met someone just like him, if not worse. And now I'm here. Standing just over the line between love and non-love, crazy over the one man who is willing to love me the way I am, warts and all.

I don't know if I'll say the same thing this time next year. Perhaps I will.

There's little for me to reflect on now because I do that on a daily basis. But I think this year has been good to me, because I did a lot of things I never thought I would. I play D&D. I dated a 30 y/o guy. I dated a rich ah beng. I wore short skirts and short shorts and was a host on camera at L2P. I went for supper with my guildies. I raided again. I did all that as a free woman. I handled people. I handled myself. My grandfather died and I moved in with my grandma. My dog of ten years died.

So many things happened. I turned twenty one. I fucking turned twenty one. Seven years ago I was worried I'd never see this day and here I am now, here I am. Happier than everyone who knew me in secondary school would have wanted to imagine. I'll even say more successful than they imagined, because I was a retainee and fucked up in the head and never ever normal. And here I fucking am. In your faces.

I did it you know. I made it to twenty one. I'm most proud of myself for that. I broke up with Shade about six days before my birthday and it was still okay. He did go crazy after that on Christmas but that just goes to show he's not that great a guy after all. Anyway, going back to the topic. I DID IT. I FUCKING MADE IT TO TWENTY ONE AND I'M FUCKING PROUD OF MYSELF.

It's an achievement, you know. To make it this far happy, with friends, and alive... I still have not stepped into a club and I've never gotten dead drunk and I don't have 1000 friends on facebook but I do have friends that I can trust and rely on and go to Iron Maiden with. This May I'm gonna go to England with a guy I've known for two months at best, and who I've only interacted with IRL for two days. This year I am going to do whatever the fuck I want. I am going to love my boy. I am going to make documentaries and stuff to help the shelte. I'm going to do all kinds of stuff....

But really, now... I'm just happy I'm alive. I didn't reflect on my birthday because my ex came over with a pair of rollerblades and re-taught me to balance on 'em. So it's just hit me now. In 2010 I turned 21. I was happy. And that's really all there is to the year, you know. That I made it.

I'm so fucking proud of you Fors. We both deserve it. I don't even feel grown up. But that's okay. I've got all the time in the world, to love and to play and to grow up. I don't even need to grow up. I just need to learn.

And, and. I don't know how to end this. So... congratulations Miss Fors. We lived through friendless 2003, through peer pressurey 2004, through the breakthrough 2005, through the magnificent 2006, through an awkward 2007, through a lightless 2008 and 2009 and HERE WE FUCKING ARE. PAST 2010. IN 2011. ALIVE AND HAPPY. CONGRATULATIONS. WE'VE EARNED IT.



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amaranthine

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